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How to Love someone Who Doesn’t Know How to Be Loved

1 Be patient

Don’t expect her/hem to feel comfortable with diving headfirst into anything even slightly resembling romance. Keep in mind, it’s probably taken her/hem (x) a great deal of contemplation and courage to even consider spending her/his (x) time with you. And if she/he does appear comfortable responding to your first moves, it’s quite possible that she/he’s (x’s) actually terrified of what you’ll think of her/hem if she/he (x) asks to slow things down. So, x just musters the strength to submit xself to the moment, only to spend all night feeling horrible about x dishonesty and inability to step on the brakes. This will freak x out enough to make x sever whatever ties were made and withdraw immediately—something x’s not afraid to do.

To avoid that, let things unfold at a pace that feels natural, which might be slower than what’s considered “normal.” Remember, x’s not used to this, and too much at once will surely send x over the edge. Showing sensitivity to x pace will let x know that x doesn’t have to fear being out of control, causing a miscommunication or feeling the pressure of time.

2 Talk

Because x spends so much of x time alone and in x head, this x might be under the impression that x thoughts and opinions are a bit too intense for others. x rarely shares the things on x mind, as x fears that whatever’s in there is so deep and inquisitive that people will think it’s overdramatic, oddly philosophical or just plain weird. x values deep conversation, but feels that x can exercise this pleasure with relatively few people, if any at all.

So talk with x. Let x know that x can say what’s on x mind, and don’t be afraid of x ability to dissect every possible meaning of a theory x’s been hung up on for weeks. If x apologizes for rambling about it, tell x x doesn’t need to be sorry, x doesn’t need to suppress it. Make x feel that although x is certainly unique for having such thoughts, x isn’t crazy or abnormal.

Tell x it makes x all the more beautiful.

And then, give it right back to x. Be sure to engage in x contemplations just as much as you listen; x wants to hear your thoughts more than you realize.

3 Support x=her/hem

Part of this x’s struggle with letting xself be loved could be that x is relentlessly focused on x dreams and goals, so much so that x forgets to make room in x life for other things—like relationships. It’s not something x does intentionally, x’s just extremely determined to achieve whatever x has set out to do.

If x is forced to make a choice between a love life and x goals, x’s already chosen the latter. So don’t make x choose.

And certainly don’t make x feel guilty for not spending more of x time with you as a result— x’ll take that as another sign that x needs to sever the ties, even if they’re stronger at this point.

Instead, support x. If you really love this x and x really loves you, then x’ll welcome the encouragement. x’ll want to support you, too. Let x; with a heart as passionate as x s, you’ll want x on your team.

4 Don’t be two halves of a whole, be two wholes that make an even greater whole

Remember that this “Miss/Mr Independent” is just that—an independent chick with an ability to fend for xself. x might even be afraid of relying on others, no matter how much x trusts them.

Therefore, don’t think of a relationship with x as one that joins two halves together to make a whole; x won’t treat it as such, and x definitely won’t feel comfortable if you do. Rather, see it as two wholes becoming an even greater whole—two individuals who love each other enough to respect the other’s independence and uniqueness.

This includes honoring x need for alone time. x realizes that you are a person with or without x and asks that you see x in the same way. Being able to spend time apart is important to x; x doesn’t want to rely on your presence, nor does x want you to rely on xs.

Don’t try to spend every hour of every day with x unless you want x to feel bombarded.

But when you are together, be together. Completely. Let x know x is loved until x begins to understand what that feels like, and then keep doing it. If it’s right, x’ll come around. And because x’s loyal by nature, x’ll stick around, too (so don’t give x any reason to think that you won’t).

Truly, this x has a lot of love to give, even if x’s a bit awkward in showing it at first. x just needs time—time to figure things out for xself, to better understand how this works.

Let x figure out that deep down, x just wants to love and be loved—just like everyone else.

If x happens to let you close enough to love x, take it seriously. It means x’s trying. It means x wants to love you. And remember that helping x learn how to be loved in return is the surest way to win x heart.

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